Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
