did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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