I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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