i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
