the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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