what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
