Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
