I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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