why didn't you poke me back
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
