I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
