Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
