Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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