I just pynch a tree in the face
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
