I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
