I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
