Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
