Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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