Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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