when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
