So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
