Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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