Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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