He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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