So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
