I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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