So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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