I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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