I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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