The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
