i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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