she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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