he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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