he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
