there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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