I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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