they need to just BURY HIM!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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