I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
