Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize