Whatcha textin bout Willis?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
