He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
