Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
