don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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