Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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