I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize