the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
