i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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