Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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