just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
