my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
