Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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