I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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