Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
