Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
