If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
