Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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