This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
