Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
