Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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