i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
