I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
