dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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