i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
