I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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