My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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