The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
