I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize